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Passing feeling   
09:26pm 24/03/2007
  My life is super boring at the moment. All I do is lay in bed and watch gilmore girls.  
     

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07:22pm 26/10/2005
  . Open a music player.
2. Go to 'all music'/'library'.
3. Hit shuffle/repeat/randomise.
4. Find photos of the first 10 artists/bands that come up (no repeats and no cheating).
5. Have people guess who the artists/bands are.
6. Paste this in your journal and do it too, so I can have fun guessing as well.



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I only did 6 because i'm lazy. Guess, guess guess.
 
     

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LAST NIGHT   
07:07pm 26/10/2005
  yesterday was crazy. We threw Josie a surprise birthday party and made punch that consisted of way too much alcohol and everyone got wasted by about 9 but we carried on drinking until it was dancing time. This is what happened;


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It was fun.
 
     

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I miss my friends   
02:20pm 24/10/2005
 
mood: good
And I miss my record player and my records and my cd and I miss listening to the good life. I might have to buy new ones because I can't wait until christmas when I go back home.

Now, this morning I spoke to Tim and his girlfriend wants to send me an email or send me a mix tape or something!? I do not think that would be nice at all and I don't see her motivation for it but I guess I can't really do anything about it. I think no matter now much it's intended to be a nice gesture it will just feel like she's saying that Tim is inlove with her now and I should just leave him alone. Maybe I should do that, at least I should stop feeling like I want to see him. I don't know what I feel for him or why I'm even thinking this hard about it because I'm not going to be thinking straight now, am i?
 
     

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04:31pm 22/10/2005
 
mood: curious
I met matt today which was really weird. I had to get up at 7 to meet him and it was still dark. Winter's coming. It was good to see him, it had been way too long. Anyways we just walked around and I showed him some places in Edinburgh that he hadn't managed to see, i think he had a nice time. He's gone down to London now so i probably won't see him again for years. I don't really mind though.
I also have so much work to do and keep thinking and thinking about Mikee, but I don't know whether to call him. I don't know if he's waiting for my call. I have no idea. I don't think he'll ever call me. I need to give him back his house keys but I've been avoiding it. Taking them off would feel too final and I'm not ready for admitting how much I fucked up the thing I love the most.
And I love pavement and I love my Victoria who should be coming up soon. Hopefully she will shower me in love and kisses all weekend and it will be fun because we will go dancing and smoke cigarettes and realise that relationships are crap and we don't need them. I miss her.
My mum's going into surgery soon, I think the night she goes in is the same night Vix is here so we'll probably get trashed because I'll be feeling shit about mum but feeling great that i'm with vix. It will be interesting either way becauase we're going to see crazy guy play.
 
     

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11:33pm 18/10/2005
 
mood: weird
It feels strange to be alone again. A friend came to stay with me and I'm not quite sure how I managed it. I don't think it makes much sense. I think it's as though I can jump out of my head sometimes. Anyway it was nice and it made me forget.
I'm left alone now though and it's making me feel tired and it's making me think and I'd just love for these thoughts to be pushed back and back and pushed away from the front of my head because they're hurting my chest and making my body heavy. It's not something I want to feel anymore but it's not something I'm ready to deal with either. I am going to pretend that nothing has happened and that he never existed and I will stop trying to try writing him letters and I will stop looking at photos of us and various things we used to share.
 
     

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Hi   
04:04pm 11/10/2005
 
mood: just ok
It's weird to write this sbecause in the last entry I was so happy to be going to Edinburgh and now it's over a year later and I've made it to university here after so many visits to be with him. But I'm not with him anymore and I really haven't thought about him because it hurts too much. It only really feels like i'm thinking of his passively now as though he is somewhere in the distance and doesn't really exist. And i know he does because all my letters from all the years are on my floor and photograps of him are still on my wall and the keys i had to his flat are on my desk. I can't touch any of them yet because it hurts too much and gives me too many memories of what we had.
I walked around this city yesterday and it was really hard to find anywhere which didn't remind me of him but i can't stay indoors for too long because that just makes me more sad.
I don't know what to do. It comes and goes and I have friends who are helping but they live miles away from me now and nobody, including me has any money. My friends I have here are new and i really can't talk to them too much because they really will think bad things about me. I've been an awful person to live with.
 
     

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hello   
12:41am 17/06/2004
  It's been such a long time, but i feel as though I should write something, even if it's about nothing.
Everything is pretty much the same, repetitive stressful tedious. Exams seem like such a hassle but I really need them. It's not very nice.
I have a newish boyfriend who is sweet and kind and clever and funny and very good for me. I don't know how much I like him though. I think that this might become something of a reoccurence for me. Finding somebody who is good for me and then not being able to fall in love with them, but we'll see.
 
     

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teardrops on the fire   
12:42am 17/06/2004
 
mood: contemplative
I don't know why i just felt so limited writing in here. Nobody I know personally will ever read it and maybe I can lock it is i really don't want anyone to see it.
I think I've made myself go back into that behaviour where everything on the outside world has to be fake and live up to everyone's expectations of my well-being.
People think that I'm happy now or happier now. I have a lot of things to be happy about, but I'm childish and ungrateful sometimes.
I am going to Edinburgh in 12 days which I'm really looking forward to do. It's something i've been wanting to do for a long time now. I want to lay around in my pyjamas with a duvet watching cartoons in his house and I want to just sit in the sun and have no worries about anything.
I sometimes want too much but I think this might actually happen.
I wonder if you ever feel that you can't get what you want and that you just come to expect that whatever you eventually get isn't the best of what's available.
It's like with my grades I never expect to get good grades and when they happen it's just so plesant and makes you want to do it again.
This feels a bit boring and pointless, I'm sorry. I think I just find it difficult to write now.
My sister stole my old notebooks from when I was aroud 14-15, she's copied some of my writings into her notebook and she shows her friends.
I don't want to say anything to her because it will make her feel bad and make me feel embarrassed and I don't want that to happen.
 
     

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02:57pm 25/05/2003
  I have a new journal so if you want to be added to my friends list, reply here..  
     

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10:46pm 20/05/2003
 
mood: bored
I don't know why but these lines almost made me cry

"Now, I sing and drink and sleep on floors
And try hard not to be annoyed
By all these people worrying about me
So when I'm suffering through some awful drive
You occasionally cross my mind
It's my hidden hope that you are still among them
Well are you?"

My psychology exam was hell.. It was so fucking awful. When i got home I was sick, which was nice.
 
     

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10:18pm 11/05/2003
  Everyone dated the demise of our neighborhood from the suicide of the Lisbon girls.
People saw their clairvoyance in the wiped-out elms and harsh sunlight.
Some thought the torture tearing the Lisbon girls pointed to a simple refusal to accept the world as it was handed down to them:
So full of flaws.
But the only thing we are certain of after all these years is the insufficiency of explanations.

"Obviously doctor, you've never been a thirteen year-old girl."

The Lisbon girls were 13, Cecile, 14, Lux, 15, Bonnie, 16, Mary, and 17, Therese.
No one could understand how Mrs. Lisbon and Mr. Lisbon, a math teacher, had produced such beautiful creatures.

From that time one, the Lisbon house began to change.
Almost every day, and even when she wasn't keeping an eye on Cecilia,
Lux would suntan on her towel wearing a swimsuit that caused the knife-sharpener to give her a 15-minute demonstration for free.

The only reliable boy who got to know Lux was Trip Fontaine
For only 18 months before the suicides had emerged from baby fat
To the delight of girls and mothers alike.

But few anticipated it would be so drastic.
The girls were pulled out of school, and Mrs. Lisbon shut the house for maximum security isolation.
The girls' only contact to the outside world was through the catalogs
They ordered that started to fill the Lisbon's mailbox with pictures of high-end fashions and brochures for exotic vacations.
Unable to go anywhere, the girls traveled in their imaginations:
To gold-tipped Siamese temples or past an old man, the leaf broom tidying the [Maw's] carpeted [speck] of Japan (???).
And Cecelia hadn't died.She was a bride in Calcutta.

Collecting everything we could of theirs, we couldn't get the Lisbon girls out of our minds, but they were slipping away.
The colors of their eyes were fading, along with exact locations of moles and dimples.
From five, they had become four, and they were all (the living and the dead), become shadows.
We would have lost them completely if the girls hadn't contacted us.

Lux was the last to go.
Fleeing from the house, we forgot to stop at the garage.
After the suicide free-for-all, Mr. and Mrs. Lisbon gave up any attempt to lead a normal life.
They had Mr. Henry pack up the house, selling what furniture he could at a garage sale.
Everyone went just to look.
Our parents did not buy used furniture, and they certainly didn't buy furniture tainted by death.
We of course took the family photos that were put out with the trash.
Mr. Lisbon put the house on the market, and it was sold to a young couple from Boston.

It didn't matter in the end how old they had been, or that they were girls,
But only that we had loved them, and that they hadn't heard us call; still did not hear us,
Calling out of those rooms where they went to be alone for all time, alone in suicide,
Which is deeper than death, and where we will never find the pieced to put them back together.
 
     

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11:16pm 08/05/2003
  Crying will always help if it's not real hurt.

I think everything's ok but I've said something wrong and that causes everything to fall apart. The way I feel so vunerable doesn't help.
 
     

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09:08pm 05/05/2003
 
mood: crappy
I don't know why I did it I don't know what I was feeling. I just know I need help again. I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow, I'm going to ask for my psychiatrist back.
I cut too deep this time to be ok and it's so frustrating when you don't know the reasons. All I know is that I hurt.
 
     

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07:03pm 01/05/2003
 
mood: crushed
I'm having a bad day. I got rained on a lot. I have a headache and a load of exams.
 
     

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12:06am 24/04/2003
  It really hurts and I can't do anything about it.  
     

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I'll put a spell on you   
04:17pm 03/04/2003
 
mood: blank
I have an ear infection. Exhilerating news I know.
I fell asleep in the library and missed the beginning of my maths lesson, i have so much to do.
My brother got a guitar and he keeps playing the same chord over and over, but i suppose you have to start somewhere.
I've been getting really depressed again lately. I don't know what's causing it, but I hope summer comes along soon to wash it all away.
 
     

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11:24pm 20/03/2003
  Name/. Liz
Birthday/. 17-08-1986
Sign/. leo
Location/. england
Height/. 5'6"
Weight/. 8st 9lbs
Hair/. brown
Eyes/. blue
Shoe size/. uk 5
Paint size/. uk size 10

Current

Time/. 11:25
What are you wearing?/. jeans and a t-shirt and a jumper
What are you listening to?/. le tigre - fake french
Are your nails painted? What color?/. no
Are you wearing make-up?/. no
Current Thoughts/. i'm being a bitch


Do You Remember?

The first time?/ yeah
Your 1st grade teacher/. yep mrs lucas
Your favorite teacher?/. miss biology
Your 1st show?/. no
What you were like when you were 13?/. yep
Your first boyfriend?/. yep
Your first kiss?/. yep
Your first wedgie?/. no
Your first orgasm?/. yep
When you had a tree house?/.yes
The first song you danced?/. no
Do You…

Brush your teeth?/. yeah
Wash your face daily?/. yeah
Shower daily?/. no
Do your hair every day?/. no.
Wear make up daily?/. yeah
Smoke cigarettes?/. yep
Smoke weed?/. yep
Smoke anything else?/. sometimes
Drink alcohol?/. yep


The Last Time You…

Cried/. was today
Showered/. this morning
Said I LOVE YOU/. today
Hugged someone. Who?today, my adam
Talked on the phone. Who?/. adam
Helped someone/. today
Ate. What did you have?/. i ate salad for supper
Danced. Where?/. in my kitchen today
Had sex. Who was it?/.yes, adam
Went to a show/. saturday
Bought a CD. What was it?/. belle and sebastian - if you're feeling sinister
Dyed your hair/ a few months ago.
Currents

Time/. 11.32
What are you listening to?/. nothing
Thoughts/. not a lot.
 
     

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08:43pm 09/03/2003
 
mood: curious
sometimes voices and faces don't go together. Like the calling, they're a strange band. He looks like he should be a backstreet boy and has a really deep voice. I think it's the same for INME too, i think i should have gone to that gig just to say i went. Nevermind, i really want to see a decent band but nobody apart from bands on kung-fu records play here. Well there are exceptions but not many.
I'm seeing something corporate on saturday. I thought it'd be good but then kerrang! found them and so i'm sure i'll be delighted by the presence of a hundred little kids. How wonderful.
"KKK and racial crimes
it's happened since the dawn of time
since man has learned to see
he's also learnt to narrow sight"
oh i hate my words... I can't remember if i wrote that though, it was just a little thing in one of my old notebooks and it stuck out.
 
     

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drowning   
09:01pm 01/03/2003
 
mood: depressed
Selfishly forgetting everything and slipping away to the sounds of the mellow music.
I like elliot smith this song has the right moves to move me the right bass the right vocals, mellow maybe slightly depressing but it's disappearing to music.
"now on the bus
nearly touching this dirty retreat
falling out 6th and powell a dead sweat in my teeth
gonna walk walk walk
four more blocks plus the one in my brain
down downstairs to the man
he's gonna make it all OK
i can't beat myself
i can't beat myself
and i don't want to talk
i'm taking the cure so i can be quiet
whenever i want
so leave me alone
you ought to be proud that i'm getting good marks"
 
     

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